can i be honest?

Can I be honest?

I don’t know what the heck I’m doing and where the heck I’m going, but I hope that it all works together really for the good.

And I fear that part of me might have went down the wrong path,
although I love social work,
although I love justice,
although I love Jesus,
although I love all things Black people and advocating for Black people,
Black things,
Black communities.

*Sigh*

I fear I might have missed out on just simply going into journalism or communications and becoming a copy-editing writer or whatever it's called and I just really want to write and I just really want to create and I just really want to be an artist but then I'm like yeah but like justice and like social work and like isn't this what I was made for

And then I realized I was made for so many things but ultimately one thing and of course to know Jesus and to make him known but

can I be honest I really don't know where this is going like—

Where am I going, Lord?
Where are you leading me?
Where are you taking me?

I just want some direction.
I just want to know where to apply to.

I want to know what skills I need.
I want to know, will I make education policy?

Will I be able to be an administrator of the multi-ethnic Christian school that I want to start?

Or whatever the heck.

Will I be a writer?
Or will I be a poet?
Or will I write books?
I don't know.

Can I be honest?

I just don't know

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mundane meditation: it is all working out for my good.

Here’s to trusting the process… and praying for the grace to trust more. Admittedly my anxiety waxes and wanes…

Some days I’m like “it will work out 🤩” and other days I’m like “God do you want me to fail or something?!”… and to be even more transparent in the middle of writing this I just started crying and my only prayer was “please please please [give me a job or a direction] God.. I’m trying [to trust you].. please.”

My friend Tyler told me every time these feelings come up, it’s me shedding another layer of surrender or something to God.

Some days that’s comforting and sobering… moments like today its annoying.

I’m doing my best to just trust. to just have faith. to just be honest about the doubts and anxieties that surface. to give it to God. to trust that he knows what he’s doing. to trust that he made me passionate and creative and multi-faceted, and whatever is next will be for me…

grace for me to believe that it is all working out for my good.

I’m praying the same for you friends… wherever you are in your journeys…

Prompt: write or record yourself for 90sec about some things you need to be honest about and just let it be released on the page… don’t ruminate.. just release.

Ciao for now,

J